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[14 Aug 2010|04:06pm] |
I think The Beatles are overrated. People claiming to be in-depth thinkers and have taste sui generis cite this iconic group as one of their oh-so cultured inspirations. How is it possible that these self-proclaimed non-conformists even consider themselves as such when they eat up the prime products of commercialism, one of the top sellers of the music industry?
Enlighten me, please.
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| can but won't. |
[14 Aug 2010|03:18pm] |
I could lie in bed all day in fetal position, crying my eyes out until the point of dehydration.
I could spend the whole day contemplating on the mistakes, over-analyzing the situation, or lack thereof.
I could battle with my mind on whether or not I should stay in the same position. If forced conversations are better than none at all.
I could. But I won't.
Today I choose to win.
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| a vicious cycle. |
[18 Jul 2010|02:47am] |
Irritated? Enraged? Confused? Here I am wasting what could be time spent reading Guyton or Harper or maybe even Lippincott. I instead am being my crazy, over thinking self, as usual. I do have a choice of course. I just constantly make the wrong one. Everyday I am given an option to take the high road, to be stronger. And yet everyday, I choose to lose. Maybe mumster is right, maybe I'm not capable of making the right decisions. Recent events can be cited as pieces of evidence.
I could say that this would be my last deranged post; that this would be the last unproductive sleepless night; that better days would be seen after today. But I won't. Doing so would only lead to eating my words - again. Nevertheless, I am still hoping. Hoping that when I wake up tomorrow my mind will be totally focused, with priorities all straight and intact. I could think all night of questions, of explanations to those questions, of trying to make sense of the whole mess, of making up excuses for the things done. But I'm tired of it all. This is one exhaustion I hope does not go away. I hope this time it's for real. But I am afraid that as I type these words, the exhaustion is slowly deteriorating.
Regression. That is the hardest. Moments of enlightenment, tough love from confidantes, and even endless sermons are all but futile. The months spent working on progressing are suddenly nothing compared to that split second of doubt, of reminiscing, of a sighting - even a measly insignificant message. You know better, you want to be better, and yet you can't seem to put atleast a foot towards that road. What is wrong?! You want better but all you get is bitter. haha. You have been successful in posing this wall of strength, in pretending that you are okay - completely sober. A different kind of sobriety reached. Still, you spend countless nights shedding those pitiful tears. And so the vicious cycle continues. It is pathetic. You are aware of it. So why continue? The day you realize your worth is the day you will finally regain freedom. When you have finally accepted that there is no reasonable answer to your whys or how-could-yous.
I wonder, how does one escape a vicious cycle?
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[15 May 2010|03:56am] |
alcohol-driven thoughts. mind is racing. am i permanently damaged? could it be? am i still hung-up?..
i hope you won't give up on me. but realizing that your efforts do not affect me is heartbreaking. so don't bother making further steps. those are futile. making you hold on would be selfish. when will all this end? is there no cure?
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[14 Mar 2010|05:08pm] |
this is all just a bad dream..
tomorrow i will wake up from this nightmare and realize that everything is peachy..
if not.. somebody give me another shot of diazepam with a side of fluoxetine!.
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| doubting |
[19 Oct 2009|06:28pm] |
For me it's okay. It's acceptable..
But everyone is saying otherwise.
What should i do/believe? I am running out of excuses for you..
Give me something to hold on to.
I can't be just your drinking buddy.
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| longing |
[14 Oct 2009|12:50pm] |
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with your hand on my shoulders...
a meaningless movement.
a movie script ending.
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[12 Oct 2009|09:31pm] |
Liar. Liar. Liar. LIAR!!!
i hope your pants burn on fire!!!!
on second thought..i hope YOU burn on fire! haha
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| realist or just plain bitter? |
[06 Oct 2009|02:16pm] |
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philosophical conversations are a luxury..
i think that philosophers are nothing but irritating narcissists who spend countless time on their hands by having totally useless arguments..
i think that i'm way too practical, too realistic, to think that that is productive. what's the use in discussing an idea when it can't produce tangible results? when it can't benefit the people by solving something concerning the world, like poverty. philosophy is for the selfish. you search the meaning of situations for self growth..for you to be able to sleep soundly at night. but what good does it do the world?! nothing! but you...you are the exception..i can hang on to your every word as if it holds the key to solving a world problem like war or hunger. that is my downfall.. that is what contradicts my being realistic..because of you i become insensible. unrealistic. philosophical. romantic? (woah! let's not be that OA! haha! )
i become all the things i hate..
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[25 Sep 2009|10:25am] |
how could i have been so stupid?
i need a distraction from this major destruction.
i am i am no longer making sense. i am on the verge of going insane from this cyclic thinking.
thanks a lot.
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| culture vulture |
[22 Sep 2009|01:53pm] |
eversince i took a year off from my “well planned out life”, random thoughts and interests have come to my mind. among these is the awareness that my knowledge of culture is very limited. could it be? i am….UNCULTURED?! haha.
during my four year love affair with microbiology, i could only associate the word “culture” to the agars, broths, and techniques for the cultivation of microorganisms. Still, the course should not be blamed. I had a choice. I was in love with the subject matter. But I think it’s over now. i have to move on. haha! Of course I will forever remember with fondness, my lab moments, sleepless cramming nights, and endless memorizations of some genera which I am sure I will not encounter in the future. I still and will always (hopefully! :p) love microbiology. But to have only one love does not provide for personal growth (ehem ehem! :p). so I have decided to set out a goal.. to be more exposed to various aspects of culture. It’s crazy how I know and fuss over music so much. If someone mentions just one word about it, I start to talk about it with giddiness and joy like a gradeschool student would when talking about her latests accounts with her crush who she swears will be the love of her life. Or even, the way I talk bout you.. so sad but true. But that’s a different story. Haha!.. I don’t want to wake up one morning and realize that my mind is filled with, and only with, science.. I want to grow up and be able to talk about varied subjects.. I have this firm belief that “the arts” makes us young. it holds our sanity together when we are on the verge of losing it form all the problems and jadedness of life. It presents an alternate world where we can seek refuge and find solace.
So it’s all set.. Music? Check! Film? Working on it. Literature? Humiliating level.
Of course I do not expect to grasp the whole concept of culture. Rather, just enough to penetrate the minds of those who consider themselves "experts" in the various fields.
I have realized, afterall, that I don’t need someone who is ”worldly” to expose me to culture. i must not depend on someone who I think is “culturally-inclined” or, dare I say, “artsy fartsy” in order to enrich my knowledge.. It is right in front of me..i just have to open my eyes.
Let’s just hope I don’t become a poser. Haha.
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| when sleep becomes ineffective |
[21 Sep 2009|12:33pm] |
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usually when i sleep it off it goes away..i just let some time pass and i become my reasonable stonehearted self again..
it's already the next day...so why do i still feel like this?!!
oh no..have i become what i've tried so hard not to become?!.. am i now the typical emotional, demanding, always-wanting-something-serious girl?!! i hope not!.. if i become like that, i have to make sure that it's worth it.... for now, i can say that it is NOT WORTH IT. YOU are not worth it!!.. oh god, i think this is my karma.
maybe if i sleep some more it will work.. YYY. let me try that.
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| to sleep, or not to sleep? |
[02 Jun 2009|12:13am] |
the best ideas come to us when we are just about to sleep...
we plan to jot down or follow up on them but, being all comfortable on the bed with our sleeping clothes on, we decide to shrug or put them off for tomorrow. but when we wake up, we've by then forgotten them...big bummer!
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| freedom in anonymity |
[18 May 2009|08:11pm] |
i wish i could be emo. of course not the slashing-i hate the world-super bangs donning type of emo..i mean the expressive type of person..one who is able to write whatever she/he wishes to..i wish i could write what i really think and not worry about other people or worry about being too expressive or weak.
there are times wherein i feel like exploding with various emotions but choose to not express them but, rather, hide them in the deepest part of me. i fear that a time will come when i will suddenly burst! i hope i won't go crazy! haha! =p
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| my lj lives on!! |
[18 May 2009|07:18pm] |
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my oh my, it's been ages since i last posted..the last time i opened my account the settings were still oldschool.. ngayon aba! may s2 ng nalalaman! or was it already available during that time and i just dint notice? anyway, since im no longer busy and have a bunch of free time on my hands.. i have decided to "revive" my lj.. why? because i have nothing else to do. i remember feeling all bummed when i graduated because this was going to be the first summer in 4 years that i was not going to be busy with academics. while majority of the students slept late because of the tv, internet or random partees, me and the rest of the pseudomicros' sleepless nights were care of EQ, tomi or whoever our prof for that summer was...don't get me wrong, i enjoyed those days..i was still able to do the stuff that i liked, able to drink and go out at times. but i dint have the luxury of sitting down in front of the computer and think about blogging..so i have completely forgotten about blogging.i think it's been a year+ since i posted something here!..so i guess there's a good side to bumming around this summer. i get to post again..magffeeling nanaman ako..hahaha..
so i skimmed through my past posts and found myself laughing at the countless typos and nonsensical rants.. i was younger then.. feeling antanda na..hahaha..i told myself that i would proofread more and rant less. as if that's possible.haha.. but i have also been posting some stuff in my multiply..so now im torn..haha! but i think there's more freedom here..hehehe.. but where are my friends? have they been busy too? i guess so.. or have they found other places to post? oh well...
i will try to be more insightful next time..the keyword there is TRY!haha
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| behind the negativity |
[30 Oct 2007|01:56am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 searching for hope |
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there are a number of things people need in life for survival..love, courage, faith, hardwork and of course, luck. contrary to what others think, i do believe that there is such a thing.. why else would the parises and the lindsays of the world be where they are? of course the goodlooks (which is subject to much debate. =p) also helps. i sometimes even thinks that luck overpowers the other four.the words are tainted with bitterness. i know..this thinking is the effect of a horrible events which have recently transpired leading to the thought of my ruined future! i know it’s so geeky of me to obsess about this.but when you get caught in the world of science, especially microbio, being grade conscious is inevitable. maybe i dont have a life.maybe ive become sooper geeky..i dont care..i just know that its important to my parents..so i really have to work hard... the course is major toxic.i know what you’re thinking, what a loser, right?i would think that too when i read this again..but i will still think about how other people manage to still be happy despite of their problems..i want to be like them..i want to be stressfree and act like a kid..i want to not care about grades and similar ot stuff..but i cant..im simply wired this way i guess..a freak always worrying about grades.i officially no longer have a life.i wish i could say something witty or funny but i cant..i seem to have lost all the things interesting about me..at an early age, i have begun to think like a “grownup”.. yeash!it gives me shivers just thinking about it..a sooper serious person who always thinks about the future and practicality..its sad to think that all people become like this.but to be otherwise would be equal to a life lacking in success.if fun is all one thinks about, what would be of his/her future?..all those cliches about life are nothing but useless sayings with the aim to guide a person in the wrong direction..that seize the day, live life to the fullest shit is not true..neither is the “do what makes you happy” shit parents tell kids.because majority of the people working are stressed and not enjoying their work but they still do it.why?for survival..jobs are not for a person’s fulfillment.in our world today, jobs are only meant for one purpose, money..an exception would be the arts and the entertainment industry.i wish i could do something for the rest of my life which involves the one thing i love the most, music!! but only the lucky ones get to do the thing they love and get paid for it..so we’re back on the luck thing..the truth is life’s not fair.it sucks. and there’s nothing a person can do but to live by its monotony of work and responsibilities and hope that everything stays ok until the day they die.. pessimistic, bitter and jaded..spoken like a real grownup.. eeeppp!! S.O.S! someone save me from this bland and bitter life.
despite the negativity and jadedness of people, majority still manage to have fun in life..because an important thing that a person should have is hope..hope that the next day will be better than the present and everything will be ok..belief in the fact that the Lord will always be there for you.waiting, watching, hoping for you to ask for help..maybe faith is all we need after all.. =p sometimes in life we have to believe so hard in something or someone to keep the possitivity flowing..for us to have something to live for..mine is the Lord.. behind the negativity is a faith that can never be denied.
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| minus 1 |
[26 Jan 2007|11:47pm] |
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mood |
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 snotfaced |
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nina left yesterday. big boohoo!.. since our family isn’t emo and that much expressive, we are always shocked when we cry and we tease each other. everyone cried except me and my eldest brother. and it ended up with them making fun of me! they say i don't have a heart. not true! well maybe, just a little. haha!.. im not really a big fan of crying.. i replace tears with laughter. naks! haha!.. crying for me is a sign of weakness.. anyway, it was a tiring and crazy day. went home then went back to school!.. i had a may quiz around 830 then went home see them off then went back to school. grabe parang anlapit lang nung bahay!.hehe.. it all took 3 hours! oyeah! good thing i dint have to commute. we will greatly miss rigsy!.. that crazy kid!.. when we comes back he won’t recognize us anymore. sad.. it was upsetting to see him cry. nung hinatid lang nga nila ako nung morning and i saw how rigs freaked out when i was getting out of the car made me think twice bout leaving and taking the test. the scenario was cute yet heartbreaking..he hates it when people leave him.. but this time, he was the one who was leaving us.. =c nina leaving made us, especially my parents, realize that we were growing up. moving on to our different lives. we were no longer little ones that could all fit in one car and go to baguio, or watch tv together, or wear the same clothes.. first it's nina, then pretty soon tisowee to Espana.. hopefully, this event will be a catalyst. for my parents to treat us like adults. trust us more and give us more freedom.. that’s is the only good thing that i could thing of (for now) that would come out of nina’s leaving. the surprise drop bys, shopping, free transpo=p and the sleep overs will be missed.. i know im overacting a bit, they will still be in Asia. it’s just that our family has never really been apart for that long a time and that far. oh well.. change is good. change is essential. change is synonymous to growth. at least i think it is..
esta vida!
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[24 Jan 2007|10:09pm] |
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QUiT. while you're still ahead...
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| bats.. |
[04 Apr 2006|02:14am] |
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mood |
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 hala!.. |
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went to batangas with blockmates last lunes.. nice.. had an adventure going home. eventhough tish and i are from "the dirty south" (from db!), we still ended up in glorietta! yes, we walked around with our big bags! haha. it was my first time to walk that far (from intercon to g4!). haha! as in sa may kalsada! funnybunny.. the batangas trip was sooper fun! we were semi complete, kulang milkeemouse, joyjoy, vin, ellie, and annieboy. haha! dami pla nun! sayang overnight lang. the others stayed but i was only able to bargain with my parents for just one day.. oh well, at least nakasama.. sooper hirap kc magpaalam pag with college friends. pero pg HS ok lang.. the perks of being a bunso (note the sarcasm). hehe.. i had a blast but i felt that there was something missing.. hmmm.. what could that be..
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| freedom!! |
[04 Apr 2006|01:17am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 hyperish..haha! |
] |
at last!!.. summer na!!.. yahoo!!..yeeha!!..wahoo!..woohoo!!..whoopie!.. goldberg?.. haha..baduy.. anyway, hay salamat summer na!.. tapos na ang paghihirap!.. goobye anal geom and chem lec!.. im going to shift to microbio.. =c it's better for premed. yikes!! is this real?! am i really planning my future?!.. well actually ,my parents are but my mum does it in such a way that she makes me think that the whole thing was my decision..
sneakysneakymomster.
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